Sometimes I worry that my family doesn’t like me.
I know this is an irrational feeling because I have a very good
relationship with them all. Yes, my parents occasionally become exasperated by having
to fund my (formerly) interning, (still) broke self, but they are nothing but
supportive and loving. I might have some difficulty explaining the comfort and
connection I feel to a place completely foreign to my extremely hometown-connected
older sister, but she remains interested in my life and makes every effort
to listen and respect our differences.
Sure, I sometimes embarrass my little sister (like you’ve
never done it!) by drunkenly proclaiming that she needs to marry a super tall
dude in order to bring some height to the bloodline before telling off every
man around because I know for a fact he will never be
good enough for her. We still have a great relationship though. We’re dressing
up as Beastly and Shrieky for Halloween together!
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| It’s officially happening, Megan. I’ve announced it to the world so there’s no turning back! A-cha-cha-cha! |
I could probably be nicer to my brother by not ridiculing
his terrible taste in music, films, TV shows, sunglasses, etc. (not his choice
of girls though – good work, bruh!), but he knows I love him. After all, I did
let him watch R-rated movies when he was like ten years old. I mean twelve. I
mean never! (Sorry, Mom…)
The point is, my family really like each other.Like sitcom family like each other.
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| Like as much as Will loves Uncle Phil. |
We spend a lot of time together, and for the most part, we
enjoy every minute of card playing and chit-chatting and teasing Megan and
fishing and watching action movies and ooh-ing and ah-ing over my nephew and
ganging up on Megan some more (this might just be shared a hobby of my bro and
I, but there’s no way of knowing without performing a sociological study which,
frankly, sounds terribly boring).
Though there are moments when I feel my black sheep status acutely,
my family have rarely given me a reason to feel insecure in their appreciation
of who I am or their love for me. Yet no matter how hard I try to reciprocate there
is still a lingering doubt that I am not good enough for a group of such kind,
accepting, open-hearted people who, let’s face it, I sometimes don’t have that
much in common with.
Yes, it’s irrational and ninety percent of the time these thoughts
don’t enter my mind, but sometimes they do, and it’s a very difficult thing to
negotiate. I sometimes wonder how much more difficult things would be if my family
weren’t so accepting of my quirks and tendencies which they don’t relate to or
understand. I imagine if they were to judge me harshly, look at me in a
different light, and refuse to love me the same as if I prescribed perfectly to
their way of viewing things, and it breaks my heart.
Then I remember that this is the type of treatment many gay
people face when they come out to their family and friends. Despite remaining
who they are – in fact, becoming more who they are, at least, in a public sense
– they are judged extremely harshly not for having controversial beliefs or
negative personality traits but based solely on an element of humanity which
has long been understood to be something people experience rather than consciously
choose.*
Openly gay people deal with ostracism, judgement, unfair treatment, and being labelled with stereotypes. They experience these reactions not only from people they
don’t know very well but also from those who were meant to love and respect
them through anything: their families.
This past week a close personal friend of mine officially
came out, and I was thrilled, though I worry that my reaction – ‘That’s great!
You must feel so relieved!’ while thinking ‘Um… I pretty much knew that’ – was not
the most enthusiastic. My guilt grew further when I learned that several
members of his family were less than supportive (ie. downright judgmental dickheads
who tried to make him feel like there is something wrong with him), a reaction
which I feel is completely unacceptable in this day and age.
Homosexuality is no longer the taboo it once was and for
good reason. Studies have shown that gay people are not a threat to
heterosexuality (You mean gay people aren’t attempting to take over the world
and convert us all to their lascivious ways!? They’re actually just regular
people who have a sexual preference that differs from the majority? Who’d have
thought?!), as well as the fact that homosexual couples may actually be better parents and provide a more positive family environment for children due to more
equal distribution of household responsibilities.
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| Don't kid yourself, you know you want Julianne Moore & Annette Bening to be your Moms. |
Though it was not the case just a few decades ago, we now
see fully developed gay characters in popular media including on TV, in movies,
and in literature, as well as being exposed to gay musicians, actors, athletes,
and politicians on a daily basis. Being gay is accepted and acceptable, and I
feel confident saying that those who oppose what they consider to be an ‘unnatural
lifestyle’ will soon prove to be as backward as people who opposed interracial marriage
in the mid-Twentieth Century.
It appalls and saddens me that so many gay individuals are
still subjected to a painful ‘coming out’ when it should no longer be a controversial thing to express your sexuality.
Sexual identity is a huge part of everyone’s individuality, not something of
which to be ashamed.
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| Celebrate who you are! Celebrate, damn it! |
Though the conservative history of Canada and the United
States has dictated that all sexuality
is shameful unless you’re a heterosexual male, things are changing. The fact that
it’s still seen as shocking when someone comes out – especially if you’re an
attractive man who ‘could have been such a good father/husband/male stereotype’
– is unforgiveable, and we as a society need to continue striving for change.
Newsflash: gay people can still be spouses/parents/anything
they want to be! Your sexuality does not dictate your worth as a person! (Unless,
of course, you are a sadist or a paedophile or practice some other sort of
criminal behaviour in which case, yes, you ARE a terrible human being). Anyone
who implies otherwise is the one with issues.
To my friend (and all my other gay, lesbian, bi,
questioning, and queer friends who were forced by society to experience a
difficult coming out), I am so sorry that you have not received more support. I
am sorry that you were not blessed with a family like mine who would love you
no matter what and would never make
you feel like a part of your identity that they may not be able to understand
makes you unworthy of their regard.
When you told me you were gay, I should have said, ‘Thank
you for sharing this extremely important news with me. Thank you for trusting
me enough to be a part of your journey. Thank you for being who you are because
you are one of the most wonderful people I know. Your creative, intelligent,
caring, fun, hilarious, strong, open-minded spirit has been a blessing to my
life, and I love every quality that defines you with all my heart. Though this
marks a huge change in your life, I want you to know that nothing has changed
in our relationship except that I have even more respect for you than I did
before, and nothing will ever change my opinion of you.’
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| Unless, of course, you kill someone, which might affect things a tiny bit... |
Hopefully someday we will live in a world where your
sexuality will no longer be a controversy and everyone can be free to be themselves
from the very beginning. I know I feel better having embraced every aspect of my
weird, wacky self, though at times it was a struggle. (And I was merely dealing
with the disdain directed towards writers. Imagine if I was a lesbian writer!)
Though I know that my opinion probably won’t change the
narrow minds of many people, I hope it at least reassures anyone on their own
coming out journey that acknowledging who you are is the right thing to do. Be
strong, be true to yourself, and take all the time you need. It’s your life,
and since no one else is living it, no one else’s judgements or labels matter.
CURRENTLY READING: Lamb by Christopher Moore.
*Remember the Kinsey Reports of 1948 and 1953 which effectively
proved that human sexuality is a spectrum rather than a straight/gay binary and
that sexuality is fluid and evolves over time? No? Maybe you should look it up.
