Asking For It?

This past Sunday I became a statistic. I became one of the 87% of Canadian women who, every year, experience sexual harassment.*

What exactly happened?  I was walking down the street (Bay Street, to be exact, just off of Bloor in a rather upscale and safe neighbourhood), carrying a bag from the bookstore I had just visited, and reaching into my purse for my cellphone. It was at this point that a random man passing me on the street reached out and stuck his hand between my legs. I whirled around, shocked and upset, and shouted, ‘Jesus Christ! What the fuck is wrong with you?’, but my attacker hurried on without acknowledging that any type of interaction had occurred.

I didn’t get a good look at his face.  I barely even noticed him approaching as I wandered down the street, minding my own business and smiling to myself with anticipation about getting home to delve into my new collection of Flannery O’Connor stories. When he continued on without so much as a backward glance, I wanted to burst into tears and rush to the nearest police station to report a crime. However, with no witnesses and no way of identifying the man, I also had no leg to stand on in the eyes of the law.

At this point some people would rush to point out the fact that I was out alone in a big city, and that maybe I should have been dressed more demurely or gone home earlier. However, I would argue that this so-called logic is actually insanity, as it excuses the douchebag behaviour of the deadbeat who thought it was ok to just grab a squeeze on the fly and instead shifts the blame to the victim by insinuating that her behaviour is what needed to be moderated. To this absurd reasoning I respond that:

a) I was walking through a busy pedestrian neighbourhood at five in the afternoon.

b) I was wearing a long sleeved button-down shirt, a massive wool cardigan, leggings, jean shorts, men’s-style oxford shoes, and a wool scarf – not a string bikini and a sign saying, ‘Hey Dickbag, please grab my vagina!’

Yet despite knowing that I did nothing wrong, I still felt dirty and guilty for hours (ok, in all honesty, days) after. This is what society has taught us about rape culture: that if you were attacked, you must have deserved it, if only in some oblique way. You were drawing attention to yourself and, thus, were punished for your behaviour. You were asking for it.

The fact is, I was doing no such thing. I was keeping to myself and enjoying a sunny Sunday afternoon, and if something like this can happen to me – an educated, intelligent, world-experienced and thus cautious person – it can happen to anyone, and as a society we need to start taking the epidemic of sexual aggression more seriously. It is not a joke or something that only happens in ‘dirty’ developing countries or when ‘boys are being boys’. This is a serious issue that has become a dangerous and destructive element of our daily lives, made obvious by an incident which didn’t happen down a dingy alley in [insert negatively stereotyped country here]; it happened on a brightly lit street in the middle of Canada’s largest city, which many locals would try to have you believe is the greatest, cleanest, politest place on earth.

An image from SlutWalk Toronto.

So next time you read an article about those kids with the bright future whose lives were ruined by that ‘middle school slut’ or hear a story about that ‘skank asking for it’, take a second to think about what really happened. Maybe that girl was dressed provocatively or she did drink a bit too much, but no matter the case, unless she (or he – let’s not forget that men are also victims of sexual assault) specifically gave her attacker permission to touch her, she did NOTHING wrong.

Yes, this incident was horrifying and humiliating, but I will not alter my behaviour out of fear. I refuse to walk around with my hands balled into fists, with pepper spray on my key-ring, or with a knife in my pocket simply because I am a woman. I will continue to dress how I like, wear bright lipstick, dye my hair, and walk alone.

A photo from SlutWalk Melbourne.

 However, I also refuse to pretend this didn’t happen. In doing so it would send the message to my assaulter and the world at large that his behaviour was acceptable. What he did was disgusting, violating, disrespectful, and a dozen other distasteful adjectives. It should not have happened to me, and my heart breaks for the dozens of other people who will experience similar things today, tomorrow, this week, and further into the future. In sharing this demeaning story, I am not seeking sympathy. Instead I am putting another voice into the world in the hope that people might start to re-evaluate their perception of sexual assault and maybe even change their attitudes or behaviour in the future.

*stat courtesy of Statistics Canada: Violence Against Women Survey, Nov 1993. (I can’t imagine things have changed much since then…)

The Friend Zone

I am sure that by now, everyone is familiar with the term ‘Friend Zone’. Unfortunately it does not refer to an awesome online forum where you can meet like-minded people and become lifelong besties. Rather the phrase is generally used in a derogatory manner to refer to the “dreaded” situation of a woman wishing to have a platonic friendship with a man rather than a romantic (ie. sexual) one, thus relegating him to the dreaded ‘Friend Zone’.

This phrase became widely used after it was introduced to popular culture in 1994 by the TV show FRIENDS – a show which I am a huge fan of, by the way, so don’t start accusing me of being a hater! – when Joey refers to Ross as ‘Mayor of the Friend Zone’ after listening to him drone on and on about his unrequited love for Rachel. What began as a playful term, however, has developed into a symbol of what many feminists (myself included) see as an emblem of misogyny and the assumption that women have worth only as sexual partners.

My anger with the phrase first boiled over when I had a male friend passive aggressively tell me that his New Year’s Resolution was to ‘not be put in the Friend Zone anymore’, an obvious dig at myself as I had rebuffed his advances several times after having been very upfront about the fact that I had just left a super serious relationship and was not interested in romantic attachments of any kind. Despite my insistence on a platonic relationship, however, he still insisted on dropping this term as an insult to both my gestures of continued friendship and my worth as a person, which led me to drop him as a friend.

My reasoning for what you may think was a hasty de-friending: why wouldn’t he want to be my friend?! I’m a cool person! I’m a good conversationalist with (at least) average intelligence, many and varied interests, and a great sense of humour! Plus I love having fun and trying new things, and I am a super loyal and supportive friend. My closest friends are all people who I have been through thick and thin with and who I would do almost anything for. By not wanting to pursue a friendly relationship with me, he was missing out in a big way! Plus I was annoyed by his blatant disregard for all of the aforementioned qualities, as well as by the fact that he completely reduced me to a physical object because I have breasts. Exquisite breasts!

Obviously many relationships, platonic or otherwise, begin as the result of establishing connections between visual elements and past feelings – a form of implicit memory, for the psychology buffs out there. We feel an attraction to people based on many factors – some unexplainable – and thus, we want to get to know them better.

What I’m saying is, YES, it’s ok to be attracted to your friends! It’s even alright to imagine that friendship blooming into something more. Hell, it happens to everyone, and in personal experience, the best relationship I’ve had in the past developed out of a close friendship. That being said, it’s not alright to expect every single person to whom you feel a physical attraction to reciprocate. A mutual attraction is not always shared, and there is a reason unrequited love has been a common theme in music and literature for centuries. However, there is also a reason that many of the happiest couples out there were friends first: they respect each other, they understand each other, and they enjoy being in each other’s company – factors which last far longer than physical magnetism.

Speaking of physical magnetism, we seem to be stuck together...

 To quote How I Met Your Mother’s Barney Stinson: ‘Bros before Hoes’ (or a more gender neutral version: ‘Mates before Dates’). Romantic relationships come and go, but friends are the ones who stick around despite our strange habits, bad days, and weird hobbies. They are the ones who, similarly, enrich our lives with their own special quirks. Let’s face it, the ‘Friend Zone’ needs some positive press because friends are the best.

When the 'Zone' is this attactive, who wouldn't want to be in it?

In conclusion, putting someone in the ‘Friend Zone’ is not a bad thing! In fact, the ‘Friend Zone’ could be the first step towards a great romantic connection or - even better - a new lifelong best friend! On the other hand, putting me in the ‘Girlfriend Zone’ without my consent is a great way to ensure friendship – or any other type of relationship – is never achieved.

CURRENTLY HUMMING: ‘Dorothy Dandridge Eyes’ by Janelle Monae ft. Esperanza Spalding, a couple of gal pals rocking the mic. 

25 Things I've Learned in 25 Years (Part 2)

Welcome back, readers! I hope you enjoyed Part 1 of 'Ashley's Life Lessons'. I also hope you are ready for more gems of life-changing advice. Here are the top ten things I've learned in my twenty-five years on earth!

1. You can’t please everyone. More often than not, you can’t please anyone. Thus, if you’re going to try to please someone, let it be yourself. It’s the only way you’ll achieve any semblance of peace while maintaining your dignity.

2. Art will never be overrated. Literature, film, theatre, painting, photography, dance, music, haute cuisine, fashion: these things may not have a quantifiable utilitarian purpose – making them so easy for governments to overlook and, often, trivialise – but they are the elements outside the rational, narrow-sighted focus of our day-to-day lives which enrich the world and make it a better and more beautiful place to exist. Art has power in social commentary, unifying force, and creative outlet, and as long as people feel the need to express themselves it will never disappear.

3. Being classy may not get you attention right away, but it leaves a lasting impression. Obviously you can get attention quickly by telling crude jokes, speaking obnoxiously loudly, laughing at the top of your voice, or performing stupid stunts (Once I feel comfortable around people, these behaviours are all fair game, but ‘tis beside the point!), but being intelligent, polite, humorous, and hard-working will leave an impression far more lasting than being ‘that girl who told all the dick jokes’.

4. Communication is the key to a good life. Sometimes is might be awkward to tell someone how you feel - positive or negative - but it’s always better to say something and be momentarily embarrassed than to miss a chance to speak your piece and be left wondering how things might be different. Tell your loved ones how you feel, stand up for yourself when you feel threatened or repressed, write down your innermost thoughts so you can re-read them later and learn from them. After all, ‘life’s but a walking shadow’.

5. Never underestimate the power of good food and drink. Do you know why Europeans are generally more relaxed and live longer than North Americans? Because they know how to sit down, relax, and enjoy a delicious savoury meal combined with a careful selection of wine or beer or liquor that will complement the palate of their meal in the best way.* Europeans are happier, more easy going, less concerned about materialism and consumerism and keeping up with the man. They appreciate the small, fine things in life which helps them keep the big things in perspective.

6. Positivity is its own reward. Giving a compliment doesn't necessarily have to result in receiving one in return. Putting a smile on someone's face, helping out a friend in need, and sharing good energy can have amazing effects on the world though the results may not be immediate. Being selfish and focusing on your own needs is fine in some cases, but when it comes to the bigger picture being a bright light in somebody's life is the best thing you could ever do.

7. People will take advantage of you, but that doesn’t mean that kindness isn’t a worthy trait to cultivate. Like everyone, I’ve been nasty a time or two as well as having had people take advantage of my niceness. I’ve had bosses walk all over me and sociopathic people attempt to sabotage my personal relationships. Yet, in my experience the people whom I admire the most are those who exude positive energy, kindness, and in turn happiness. Though it’s been said that nice guys finish last, I think that maybe the nice people just realised that it was never a race to begin with.

8. Happiness is not a universal right you can take for granted. Depression and anxiety and fear of abandonment are real issues, and there is no way to simply ‘snap out of it’. Sometimes happiness is a chore, but pulling yourself up off the floor is worth every ache and pain, and a good cry can make things better, if only for a second or two.

9.  Love is all you need, though not necessarily the romantic kind. Love is what makes us feel valued and important, and receiving and sharing love with family, friends, mentors, etc. really is the quickest route towards happiness.

10. I have so much left to learn. This list may seem somewhat exhaustive, but I’m positive that in a day or so I’ll feel as though I have more to include and, hopefully, that I’ve learned something new. I think I’ve learned a few important things so far, and hopefully the lessons keep coming for another twenty-five, fifty, hundred and twenty-five (kidding!) years.

Happy birthday to me, and a merry un-birthday to you!

Here's to many more years to enjoy! After all, I may be old, but I'm not dead yet...

  

*This is based on real data, and totally not made up at all.

25 Things I've Learned in 25 Years (Part 1)

On the eve of my 25th birthday, I thought it might be nice to tone down the political discussion and tongue-in-cheek rhetoric (ie. silliness) and take a more serious tone in order to reflect on the knowledge I've gained in my life.

1. Age is just a number, and one that can often be really difficult to remember. When I was younger I thought nineteen was the perfect age, a world-savvy adult, legal to drink across Canada while still being a teenager. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed nineteen a lot, but I enjoyed the years between twenty and twenty-four a hell of a lot more. If getting older means learning more, seeing more, experiencing more, and living more, I will gladly take dozens of more years. I still feel young and vibrant, and that has more to do with who I am than how old I am, which when people ask me, I often have to stop and consider, not out of vanity but due to the fact that I’ve been enjoying life rather than playing accountant.

2. Life may not be in your control, but how you choose to react to it is absolutely yours to manage. If anyone has had to learn this lesson the hard way, it’s been myself in the past few months what with impromptu moves, sudden personal losses, and shattered visions of the future blooming into a massive storm cloud over my head. I did not choose any of the events which shaped my current circumstances, but rather than wandering out into the cold, seeking the edge of the world, I moved to Toronto. I chose a different opportunity, finding lessons among the hardship and keeping my face held high despite the world being able to see my bruised cheeks and swollen lips. 

3. Reading is cool. Learning is cool. Challenging yourself to engage with different viewpoints, unknown worlds, and challenging ideologies is very cool. It helps you be more empathetic and knowledgeable about human nature. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again – never trust a person who has never read and appreciated a novel. You may not be getting hard facts or historical data from a novel, but the value that lies within is so much more than can be empirically measured. To quote filmmaker John Waters, ‘If you go home with somebody, and they don’t have books, don’t f**k them!’ Intelligence is sexy. Resistance to ideas is not.

4. Being a jerk doesn’t make you cool – it just makes you a jerk. When people say they miss high school and wish they could go back, it hurts my mind, as I obviously have a quite different recollection of this period than they do. I remember meanness, people picking on each other for having qualities of merit that caused one or another person to shine and stand ahead of the pack. I remember being mocked for loving reading, and thus not wanting to share my writing. I remember having my taste in music, my favourite films, my fashion sense, and my choice of hair colour not only questioned but straight up ridiculed. (‘Dying your hair isn’t cool. I’m never going to dye my hair,’ I remember an old friend directing at me on several occasions, yet I somehow suspect that her formerly brunette mane didn’t turn blonde overnight on its own…) I remember rude nicknames and unfortunate practical jokes, but I also remember loyal friends, mainly because those people are the ones I’ve kept around and who made themselves memorable on a larger scale.

5. There is more to life than ‘thigh gap’. (Though if striving for a goal such as this keeps you active and health conscious then keep at it, lady!) I am not a skinny girl. My body has curves and muscles and bony bits and wobbly bits. Yes, I have a thigh gap, but I also have cankles and big ears and one boob larger than the other. But other people don’t notice those things!* Unless I broadcast my weight, no one will ever know what the scale says, and weighing less than so-and-so won’t keep me from having asthma or possibly contracting cancer. Enjoying the physical abilities of my body and feeling confident is more important than living up to an unrealistic expectation, and fortunately I've realised that while still rather young.

6. Alone time is just as important as friend time, family time, or partner time. If someone is unable to spend time solo either due to their own lack of hobbies or fear of being alone with their thoughts, that person is not going to be very emotionally healthy. Introspection and introversion aren’t the same thing, and understanding who you are and how you’re programmed will keep you from being in a perpetual state of forced loner-hood.

7. Learning a language other than English is a highly valuable skill, despite the fact that ‘everybody speaks English anyway’. When you learn a language that is not your native tongue you access areas of your brain that aren’t normally utilised in everyday life. Studying a new language also gives you a fascinating though somewhat indirect insight into the way a culture different from your own organises its society, as well as its values and customs. Also being able to say ‘I love you’ in a bunch of different languages is a pretty cool party trick.

8. Chocolate is a daily essential. I’m not condoning eating a tub of ice cream or an entire chocolate bar, but a taste of this sweet stuff can remind you just how great life can taste.

9. Respecting someone else does not always mean agreeing with their opinions. I am an outspoken feminist, liberal, and creative who comes from a conservative, traditional community. That being said, I have great relationships with my family. I have several close friends who I initially met in childhood. I have a younger brother with horrific taste in movies. Obviously opposing viewpoints can exist in peace if people make the effort to engage and attempt to understand one another rather than being defensive of their views or mimicking doormats.

DISCLAIMER:

MOTHERS, FATHERS, GRANDMOTHERS, NUNS:

TURN AWAY! THESE NEXT TWO ARE A TAD RACY. 

(However, any discomfort is your own fault, and the author takes no responsibility for prudishness).

10. Having sex – and enjoying it – doesn’t make you a ‘slut’. Having sex to impress people or to get your sexual partners to like you, love you, or recognise you as a worthwhile person makes you one**. There is nothing shameful about being a nice person who enjoys nice sex. The issue arises when sex becomes a weapon of emotional, physical, or mental destruction.

11. Having great sex with someone you love is way better than having lots of meaningless sex. Though having great sex period is pretty fantastic (and often rare, especially if you have lady parts). Never underestimate the importance of being vocal regarding (ie. talking about) what you enjoy rather than merely being vocal (ie. huffing and puffing and blowing the walls down with your fake shrieks) because that’s what you think you have to do to impress your partner (ie. what Hollywood/porn have imbedded in the cultural collective unconscious, and for those of you who have not realised it yet: porn is not reality!!) Reality can be as seamless or uncoordinated, as serious or amusing as we let it be, but the important thing about it is that it’s real, and we should embrace it as such.

ATTENTION PARENTS, GRANDPARENTS, REPRESSED MATHLETES:

IT IS NOW SAFE TO CONTINUE READING.

12. Having heroes encourages self-improvement. One of the nicest compliments I ever received was when a former co-worker told me I reminded her of Audrey Hepburn, a woman I think is the epitome of class and elegance, combining intelligence, wit, and cheekiness into one fashionable package. Obviously I don’t have Audrey’s impeccable grace or Wes Anderson’s focused artistic vision or Marilyn Monroe’s gift for comic timing or Cormac McCarthy’s mind-blowing eloquence, but the attributes of these and many other people I look up to serve as motivation to improve what I do have.

13. Never underestimate the power of comfortable shoes. That being said, ugly shoes are unforgiveable. Living proof right here that you can have cute shoes that also provide comfort for your tootsies – and this is coming from someone who walks everywhere, so don’t give me that look.

14. Sometimes relationships run their course. In the past I have let go of relationships that no longer fulfilled my emotional needs due to changing circumstances, personalities, or opinions. That being said, I can’t think of many people with whom I have an openly bad relationship nor who would say I betrayed them in some way. I do have friends with whom I have lost touch, who I regret not seeing more or investing more energy on. However, I also understand that at different points in our lives we all have different needs, and if a connection grows weaker or even breaks it doesn’t mean the time spent on that relationship was a waste. It was a learning experience, a happy memory, or maybe a bittersweet one. But if you’ve tried to make it last and put yourself out there to no avail, it’s time to let go and move on to relationships more suited to who you’ve become.

15. Serendipity exists. I was really craving ice cream the other day. Then I saw Ben & Jerry’s advertising Free Scoop Day on Twitter so I went and got myself a free bowl of creamy, chocolatey, cookie-filled goodness. Coincidence? I think not.

COME BACK TOMORROW FOR PART DEUX

OF 25 THINGS I'VE LEARNED IN 25 YEARS***

*Maybe the big ears.

**Or when you're a stupid dummy who doesn't take their sexual health seriously and has sixteen STIs. That definitely makes you a slut.

***This feature will not be in French. Désolé.