The Friend Zone

I am sure that by now, everyone is familiar with the term ‘Friend Zone’. Unfortunately it does not refer to an awesome online forum where you can meet like-minded people and become lifelong besties. Rather the phrase is generally used in a derogatory manner to refer to the “dreaded” situation of a woman wishing to have a platonic friendship with a man rather than a romantic (ie. sexual) one, thus relegating him to the dreaded ‘Friend Zone’.

This phrase became widely used after it was introduced to popular culture in 1994 by the TV show FRIENDS – a show which I am a huge fan of, by the way, so don’t start accusing me of being a hater! – when Joey refers to Ross as ‘Mayor of the Friend Zone’ after listening to him drone on and on about his unrequited love for Rachel. What began as a playful term, however, has developed into a symbol of what many feminists (myself included) see as an emblem of misogyny and the assumption that women have worth only as sexual partners.

My anger with the phrase first boiled over when I had a male friend passive aggressively tell me that his New Year’s Resolution was to ‘not be put in the Friend Zone anymore’, an obvious dig at myself as I had rebuffed his advances several times after having been very upfront about the fact that I had just left a super serious relationship and was not interested in romantic attachments of any kind. Despite my insistence on a platonic relationship, however, he still insisted on dropping this term as an insult to both my gestures of continued friendship and my worth as a person, which led me to drop him as a friend.

My reasoning for what you may think was a hasty de-friending: why wouldn’t he want to be my friend?! I’m a cool person! I’m a good conversationalist with (at least) average intelligence, many and varied interests, and a great sense of humour! Plus I love having fun and trying new things, and I am a super loyal and supportive friend. My closest friends are all people who I have been through thick and thin with and who I would do almost anything for. By not wanting to pursue a friendly relationship with me, he was missing out in a big way! Plus I was annoyed by his blatant disregard for all of the aforementioned qualities, as well as by the fact that he completely reduced me to a physical object because I have breasts. Exquisite breasts!

Obviously many relationships, platonic or otherwise, begin as the result of establishing connections between visual elements and past feelings – a form of implicit memory, for the psychology buffs out there. We feel an attraction to people based on many factors – some unexplainable – and thus, we want to get to know them better.

What I’m saying is, YES, it’s ok to be attracted to your friends! It’s even alright to imagine that friendship blooming into something more. Hell, it happens to everyone, and in personal experience, the best relationship I’ve had in the past developed out of a close friendship. That being said, it’s not alright to expect every single person to whom you feel a physical attraction to reciprocate. A mutual attraction is not always shared, and there is a reason unrequited love has been a common theme in music and literature for centuries. However, there is also a reason that many of the happiest couples out there were friends first: they respect each other, they understand each other, and they enjoy being in each other’s company – factors which last far longer than physical magnetism.

Speaking of physical magnetism, we seem to be stuck together...

 To quote How I Met Your Mother’s Barney Stinson: ‘Bros before Hoes’ (or a more gender neutral version: ‘Mates before Dates’). Romantic relationships come and go, but friends are the ones who stick around despite our strange habits, bad days, and weird hobbies. They are the ones who, similarly, enrich our lives with their own special quirks. Let’s face it, the ‘Friend Zone’ needs some positive press because friends are the best.

When the 'Zone' is this attactive, who wouldn't want to be in it?

In conclusion, putting someone in the ‘Friend Zone’ is not a bad thing! In fact, the ‘Friend Zone’ could be the first step towards a great romantic connection or - even better - a new lifelong best friend! On the other hand, putting me in the ‘Girlfriend Zone’ without my consent is a great way to ensure friendship – or any other type of relationship – is never achieved.

CURRENTLY HUMMING: ‘Dorothy Dandridge Eyes’ by Janelle Monae ft. Esperanza Spalding, a couple of gal pals rocking the mic.